Dreamscaping, my coach called it. She asked that we share our dreams for our business, for our life on a whiteboard. We each took a few square inches and shared a couple words. “That’s not enough, tell me more. Take up more space, you deserve it” she said, erasing those words and images, prompting us to lean in and dream bigger, add more, leave no white space behind.
I stood back, hands crossed, likely a look of indignation on my face. I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t do it. And she couldn’t force me to. So there. I put my foot down, much like a petulant child not getting my way.
I had no idea what to do with the pent-up energy churning inside me. Why was I resisting? What was getting in my way? Why couldn’t I let myself dream? Isn’t my work all about discovery, wonder and play? Why wasn’t I letting myself tap into my inner knowing, to a place of joy and possibility?
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In art, dreamscaping is about rendering an imaginary, surrealistic scene. The Urban Dictionary defines it as a realm taking place in a dream. Apparently, in the dating world, it’s about creating a pattern of fantastical relationships that fool someone into believing that the relationship was far more than it really was. Ouch, that’s not pretty.
I am coming to appreciate my coach’s version: planting the seeds of possibility, that with the proper care and nurturing, would root extraordinary realities of tomorrow. It carries with it a deep-seated belief that our inner knowing will lead us where we need to go, and that the Universe will conspire to support those dreams as they blossom and multiply.
Since that retreat a few weeks ago, I have come to terms with a couple of truths:
Progress is not linear; rather more of a virtuous spiral. Over the last year, I feel like I have come full circle at a higher plane. The bulk of the ‘doing’ work around settling here has been done and now I am left with learning to ‘be’ with myself and in this new chapter.
I am still deep in the healing process, and it hurts as I feel sharp edges without the buffer of dulling agents. I sense a growing fatigue and resistance as numbing habits start to ebb and I see the open space into which I could step more completely. It’s scary though. What if I have to stay there and can’t go hide under the waves of ickiness I got so used to living in?
Commitments are non-negotiables, and commitment to self is my greatest challenge. I will show up for you, that’s for sure. I don’t always show up for me. Case in point - yoga practice leaves me connected, grounded, and at peace… even dancing with joy. And yet, I resist committing to a daily practice…who will I be if I feel good in this body?
Healing is a journey. It’s a way of being, of striving towards wholeness, and showing up in the world. A turning inward and acceptance of all that was and is, such that the external can be experienced more fully and truthfully.
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I ask clients to re-imagine a future that defies capitalist, patriarchal and white supremacist constructs, but I balk at the idea of dreamscaping my own tomorrow. Perhaps because the biggest personal commitment I made to myself -- my marriage and that once-upon-a-time life has disintegrated? Or, that standing in my own light would be too powerful for me to embody? Or, that dreaming is a commitment to my inner- and future-self, and I am scared to fully let go and trust again?
I’m not yet ready with answers, but I imagine that it starts with coming home to myself. Change is rooted in courageous curiosity for what could be, and transformation requires the vulnerability to explore all our hidden parts, suffer loss, and play in wonder; a simultaneous release of all I have known and acceptance of what is, a grounding in Self coupled with a soaring of Spirit. A homecoming to dreams that have yet to be dreamscaped into reality.
This is deeper awareness, the threshold to healing and wholeness.
Will you join me?
Imagining is like feeling around
In a dark lane, or washing
Your eyes with blood
You are the truth
From foot to brow. Now,
What else would you like to know?
- Rumi
